I’ve been pondering the subject of honesty lately with the eroding of trust of just about everything. Big corporations and the accounting firms that are supposed to be their watchdogs are in focus now.
On a trip back from California a few weeks ago the airplane was full of people traveling to Chicago for a candy convention. Seated next to me was an attractive, slim California-type woman who engaged in lively and friendly conversation with the rather plain but pleasant man on the other side of her. It was difficult not to eavesdrop and I found out she was a food broker, a sort of middle man/woman between the manufacturers and the distributors.
At one point I made a little conversation starter thinking she seemed interesting. Her attitude towards me was cool at best and dismissive. She did reluctantly answer a couple of questions, but I stopped trying to engage her since it was clear she did not want to chat with me. That’s fine, I thought. Many people want to be left alone while flying.
But her attitude towards me was in such sharp contrast to her attitude towards the young man, that I found myself trying to figure out their relationship, busybody that I am. I noticed he wore a wedding band and talked about his family. He mentioned his father, also on the plane, and a few more things about his business.
I realized he was one of her customers. At the risk of being VERY catty, I think she was buttering him up for that reason. Now, maybe this is all conjecture, maybe I just got my feelings hurt because she didn¹t want to talk to me. But even so, it is hard to think there are actually people in this world so calculating. I know there are, whether my seatmate was in this category or not, I’ll never know. In the words of an anonymous quote on the internet, “If someone is nice to you but rude to the waiter, he is not a nice person.”
It always shocks me that someone can be dishonest, even look me straight in the eye, and lie. I know I have lived a sheltered life and there are many people who have to learn to detect lies as part of their survival skills, like learning to balance a checkbook.
I am thankful I grew up in a family and society where mostly I can count on people to give me a straight story. Even as a reporter, I find people willing to tell me all sorts of their own personal truths and I sometimes sort through the data and double check what they want to say.
Now, there are times when probably all of us tell a fib, to save someone’s feelings, for example, or avoid a consequence. No one is perfect, and a blunt truth teller can be abrasive. But another thing could have been operating with my seatmate, the curious psychological phenomena — projection. If I have a trait I hate I can “project” it onto someone else and then hate it in him or her. The colloquial saying for this is: When you point a finger there are three pointing back at you.
Many spiritual paths talk about how our enemies are our best teachers. This “pushing my button” feeling can be a pretty good indicator that I have something to look at in myself. Am I capable of her kind of manipulation? Probably.
Telling the absolute truth is often hard. Although a difficult truth told in a spirit of caring can create greater intimacy with someone we love. I was often witness to this in family therapy sessions.
Another thing happened on that same flight with those candy people. I had my
driver’s license out for identification and one man read it over my shoulder. He asked me where in Wisconsin I was from and when I said Wisconsin Dells he said, “Holiday Wholesale.” (One of the local distributors.)
I laughed and said, “Yes, Bud Gussel.” (Bud started Holiday Wholesale.)
The man looked at me and said, “You know, Bud Gussel is the only person I know who puts his home phone number on his business card.”
I said with assurance and a grin, “That’s Bud.”
In this complicated world it’s not always easy to tell the good guys from the bad, truth from lies. Shades of gray are more the rule, but once in a while, along comes a shining example.
July 6, 2002