There is nothing more troubling to families than how to handle anger, especially here in the Midwest. It seems like people in other cultures, unlike our German, English and Scandinavian ones have an easier time acknowledging and expressing anger—I think of the stereotypes of expressive Italians or passionate Greeks.
I know when I lived in New Mexico the demonstrative Spanish culture was a little disconcerting to this Midwestern shy one. We are taught to be nice and get rather flustered when it comes to being angry. I always liked Garrison Keillor’s description of us – “God’s frozen people.”
But anger, an emotion like all the others, is often there for a purpose, alerting to us to a personal injustice perhaps, helping us feel that a boundary has been violated or giving us energy to do something that needs to be done.
If a child is raised in a family that never shows anger, he or she does not have a model of appropriate expression and handling of this universal emotion. Anger can be a frightening feeling if there is no way to deal with it or to express it. Also the sight of someone very angry can also be scary.
I worked at an agency that had parenting classes for parents who were abusive towards their children. One exercise had the parent sit on the floor while the teacher stood over him or her and pointed her finger and yelled. This gave the parent an experience of the power of size as well as the terrifying expression of anger.
There is no question that anger can be dangerous, and that’s perhaps why we stifle a child’s expression—and our own. If we don’t learn positive ways to assert ourselves we can get to a breaking point with anger that’s been stored up and then comes out in a rush.
Couples struggling with domestic violence see this pattern in the aggressor who stores it up and then acts it out with explosive and dangerous violence. Abusive partners and parents need to learn techniques to deal with anger since it is part of the human condition and it is unrealistic to expect ourselves never to be angry.
It is often a shock to first time parents when they have feelings of anger towards this teeny baby as well as feelings of love. When you have done absolutely everything you can think of for a baby and he or she is still crying in distress, it can make you frustratingly angry. At these times it is helpful if there is a friend or relative to take over for awhile.
When I lived in Minneapolis I had a friend who, after years of not being able to conceive, had her first baby who had a terrible case of colic, driving her to distraction. One day she showed up on my doorstep. She was weeping and the baby, too, was crying. I took the baby from her arms and led her to a bedroom where I put her down to sleep, covering her with a quilt and closed the door. I then set about doing what I could to calm a colicky baby—which is often not a thing. He did eventually calm down and slept a little in my arms—she slept solid for two hours.
Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn has a wonderful teaching about anger. He says it does no good to try to deny it or to stifle it. Instead he recommends recognizing the anger, but refraining from doing or saying anything while one is in an angry state. Otherwise, he says, we may do things we are sorry for later, requiring an apology. He asks us to breathe through the anger. “I breathe in, knowing I am angry—I breathe out knowing I am still angry—breathing in, I am still extremely angry—breathing out the anger is there, and on and on until the anger begins to be transformed.
At this point we can decide if we want to do something, coming from a reasoned assessment. It is the meditation equivalent to taking a timeout, a walk around the block or counting to 10. It is also an illustration of what anger is all about—it is a personal response. What makes me angry may not make you angry. And often anger is triggered from a misunderstanding.
I also think that if we look behind what is making us angry we usually find a hurt. The parent is angry because he is frightened for a child, I am angry because what you said hurt my feelings.
Good communication in families about everything can lessen misunderstandings and hurt feelings and help repair damage.
Jan. 5, 2001