Now here comes another young persons tragic, preventable death to ponder. Karen Hubbard died in childbirth, alone in a dormitory bathroom, after concealing or denying her pregnancy, even possibly to herself.
What troubles me is not the fact that she was able to conceal a pregnancy for so long without anyone the wiser, many other women have done the same. It also doesn’t trouble me that she may have denied the fact to herself that she was indeed pregnant. A background in psychology tells me the human mind is a powerful thing and denial is real. She may have lacked some basic sex education facts such as it is possible to get pregnant even without the completion of the sex act, even without penetration or only after one instance of intercourse. In this scenario she could have convinced herself she could not possibly be pregnant and there must be some other explanation for her symptoms.
What really troubles me is that she decided she would rather die than ask for help. At any time during the months of increasing pregnancy symptoms, and surely at the end, when she reassured her friends that she was “OK,” she could have asked for help. Help and concern was obviously there for her. All she would have had to do was say; “I’m in trouble” to someone at anytime and the tide could have turned.
This is what troubles me — that a bright, likable, seemingly happy young woman dies before she asks for help. It’s very easy to point fingers at what or who failed her. A column in the State Journal talked about how inadequate sex education for youngsters may have been a culprit.
But I know, for a fact, that my own children have been in trouble, in difficulties in their lives as adolescents and young adults, that they did not confide to me. It’s normal for teenagers to begin to keep secrets from their parents. We all hope they feel they could come to us with anything, but the fact is they don’t. Are they afraid of our judgement, losing our approval, or do they want to protect us from the truth?
Sometimes I think I want so badly for my children to be happy, healthy and successful, that I might convey the wrong message. I really want them to know I love them unconditionally, no matter what is going on or what they have done.
Maybe the more important message is that life has both ups and downs and we all need help almost all the time. My Dad likes to quote the “Red Green Show” – “We’re all in this together.” Only in fairy tales does anyone live happily ever after.
My hope is that this tragedy will spark thousands of conversations between teens and their parents across the country about asking for and receiving help. And sometimes help needs to be given without the young person asking such as if there’s trouble with drugs or alcohol.
Hopefully the tragedy will also spark conversations about sex and pregnancy. When something like this happens it can be a great lead-in to a parent-teen talk. The teen’s “rolling eyes” response to a lecture can be avoided with the fascination of the story. Mutual speculation about how such a thing could have happened should provoke a lively discussion– a perfect opportunity to clear up misconceptions and reassure a child of his or her parent’s complete acceptance — no matter what.
Feb. 9, 2002